Ignorense Is Blis 1x492h

Ignorense is Blis

Tom Willis

Copyright © 2012 by Tom Willis.

Library of Congress Control Number: 2012910727 ISBN: Hardcover Softcover Ebook

978-1-4771-2889-3 978-1-4771-2888-6 978-1-4771-2890-9

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Contents

Foreword

Appendix

Foreword

Teaching is hard. Most kids aren’t interested in teachers rambling on about their subjects. There are much more interesting things going on in their lives. Their girlfriends, boyfriends, parties, cellphones, sports, video games, family drama, and that piece of lint on the floor all take precedence over listening in class. One approach that’s helped me through my twenty years of teaching high school science is to incorporate as much comedy as possible into my classes. The basic strategy being that the student might pay more attention making sure they don’t miss a joke, and then may learn something in the process. To set the mood as the students arrive, I decided I would write a joke on the corner of the white board each day for the class to read. It started off just being science related jokes, but it soon turned into jokes about anything. It didn’t really matter to me as long as it helped to start the class off with the kids in a good mood. The classes got into it pretty quickly and appreciated the effort, even though the kids didn’t laugh at or understand all of the jokes. Using student suggestions and input, I’ve either changed or trashed a lot of them. After writing jokes on the board for quite some time, a girl in my class said, “Hey Mr. Willis, you should put those in a book.” After intensely scolding her for publicly speaking her mind, I decided to try to get that done. Also, students were taking pictures of the jokes on their phones, sending them to friends, and posting them on Facebook, so I thought it would be a good idea to publish them so I wouldn’t lose credit for my work. So this is my book of white board jokes. Every Friday is “Five Things Friday” where I put one of my “Five things” lists on the board. The kids seem to look forward to those and you’ll see those regularly throughout the book. You’ll notice that I have jokes for various holidays and school functions as well as different times of the year. The kids like the topical stuff. I’ve also thrown in some longer jokes and stories that wouldn’t fit on a white board, as well as some student comments and questions that I think you’ll find amusing. Since I’m a science teacher, you’ll see some science and subject specific humor which you may not fully understand, although most of the book is not science related. I’ve taught a lot of different science subjects, so a little of everything is thrown in

there. I’ve included an appendix in the back that explains many of the jokes because very frequently I have kids who don’t understand them and ask me for explanations. In the appendix I’ve also included other background information that might be interesting and educational about the various topics. Heck, you might actually learn something by reading this! I’ve also tried to throw in some humor in the appendix to make it more enjoyable. If there’s no explanation in the appendix and you still don’t understand a joke, well, I don’t know what you should do. Go watch TV I guess, or perhaps take a walk. I do want to give big thanks to Stephanie Conner who helped me edit this book and gave much good advice. Thanks also to Helayne Bankoff, Leigh Wansley, and Katie St. John for their input and suggestions. Lauren Tingler, a recent graduate, as well as Wayland, Karla, and Vanessa are the students that provided the authentic doodles from their vast library of notebooks. And thanks to our photography and journalism teacher Matt Day and his students for the entertaining photography. Those students are Hogan, Owen, Will, Evan, Taylor, Graham, and Connor. What a great job they did! But most of all I’d like to thank my many hundreds of students for their constructive criticisms and recommendations, and for having great senses of humor and being hilarious on a daily basis.

Five “back to” things that are worse than “back to school”: 1) Back to Prison 2) Back to the Future Part III 3) Back to December by Taylor Swift 4) Back to Level 1 in Modern Warfare 2 5) Back to back episodes of Living Lohan

Five “firsts” that are worse than the first day of school:

1) Your first day of work 2) The first Justin Bieber album 3) The First Crusade 4) Your first angioplasty 5) The first five minutes you ever saw of the show “Hoarders”

Over a lifetime, being a slow reader saves you a fortune on books.

You shouldn’t pay attention to a person’s skin color, unless the color is blue. That means that the person is choking.

If your child is an honor roll student, then he should be intelligent enough to understand why you don’t want to put that bumper sticker on your car.

Not everyone puts his pants on one leg at a time. There’s a man from New Zealand that suspends his pants from a wire loop and jumps into them.

Five toys that had to be changed before they became famous: 1) Hula Cube 2) Serious Putty 3) My Enormous Pony 4) Work Dough

5) Army Reserve Men

My fortune cookie said that I will soon have to pay for a Chinese dinner.

If people make fun of the way you look, they need to examine themselves first. And while they are doing that, you can go put on some makeup or something.

Think how easy history class must have been a long time ago before all that stuff happened.

Do you know why we are so excited about finding life on other planets? Because it would be something new that we could kill.

Five reality TV shows that never made it: 1) So You Think You Can Knit 2) Libya’s Got Talent 3) Real Amish Housewives 4) Dancing with the Homeless 5) Survivor: Cleveland

You shouldn’t run with scissors, but you especially shouldn’t run against scissors.

Do you know what’s more dangerous than a gun? Superman hitting you in the head with a gun.

Interesting fact: You never have to sneeze while you’re falling down the stairs.

Instead of a mirror in my bathroom, I just have a large flat screen computer monitor connected to a web cam that points at me.

Five more appropriate names for current countries: 1) Alliance for Cheap Labor 2) The United Federation of Emigration 3) People’s Republic of Hating Americans 4) Confederation of Female Suppression 5) Democratic Republic of 1960s Technology and Ideology

Distracted driving is the number one most preventable cause of . . . Whoa! I almost nailed that guy!

“Tennis, anyone?” You know, if you have to make a general public plea to try and get someone to play a game, it’s probably not a very good game.

When I got out of jail, do you know what I did first? I bought St. James Place.

It would be neat if one day they made a virtual reality program that made it seem like you were sitting there watching T.V.

Five things that are hard to find: 1) Weapons contract coupons 2) Handicapped accessible lighthouses 3) A good insurance plan for flame swallowers 4) A pristine copy of the Torah in an Oscar Meyer packaging facility 5) A young republican with a Master’s Degree in Foreign Affairs unwilling to discuss his position on Iraqi troop withdrawal

In America, we have an overpopulation of stray animals, and we also have poverty-stricken people who are starving. Hey, I’ve got a good idea . . .

I think I have enough catalogs now.

Real student comment from Biology class: After a lesson about how a disappearing ozone layer lets in more harmful radiation from the sun, a student commented, “The people who make sunscreen are probably against repairing the ozone layer.”

The New York Yankees have retired fifteen jerseys so far. At this rate, around the year 2670, they’ll have to go to three digit jersey numbers.

Three easy ways to tell if your roommate is a vampire: 1) He sleeps in a coffin 2) He never goes out in the daytime 3) He kills people

If your friend is in the hospital, a funny joke is to stuff a towel in the toilet so it overflows after he flushes it. Let’s face it; he can use some cheering up.

The Fantastic Four aren’t very humble, are they?

I dialed the “silent witness” phone line and didn’t say a word. After about 30 seconds a guy said, “Thanks, we’ll get him.”

All I want for my birthday this year is a pair of socks. A solid gold pair of socks.

Five self help books that never made it: 1) Being Spontaneous in 18 Easy Steps 2) Need To Lose Weight? Bulimiate! 3) Make Money the Old Fashioned Way—Print It! 4) Larry King’s Marriage Guide 5) 30 Days to a Thinner, Hungrier You

When cannibals diet, they eat vegetarians.

Being the laundry guy for the Chicago White Sox is probably a really stressful job.

Headline of the future:

Time Travel Perfected President Lincoln Gives Big Thumbs Up

Don’t tell me I’m a know it all. I’m aware of that.

Five new, more appropriate, names for football teams:

Old Name The Oklahoma Sooners The Oakland Raiders The New York Jets The Miami Dolphins The Fighting Irish of Notre Dame

New Name The Oklahoma Boosters The Oakland Renegotiaters The New York Jerks Los Delfines de Miami The Drunken Irish of Notre Dame

You never have trouble ing the phrase, “It’s on the tip of my tongue.”

I have a stack of paperwork a mile high on my desk. My desk is in Denver, so it’s really not that much.

By the end of first semester in the third year of secondary school, two-fifths of math students are less than 60% proficient at word problems.

If trees could watch movies, they’d probably love The Texas Chainsaw Massacre.

Five things rarely heard at Bike Week in Daytona: 1) Kenny G’s Greatest Hits 2) “Finally, some cops!” 3) “Mine is the pink Vespa parked out front.” 4) “Hey, watch your language. There are ladies present here!” 5) “Are distributions from Roth IRAs subject to income taxes for the beneficiaries of the holder?”

You know when you’re having an exceptionally good dream and then you wake up, so you try to go back to sleep and get back to the same dream, but you can never do it? Well I actually pulled it off last night. It really wasn’t that great.

Do you know why basements don’t have windows? It’s because all you would see would be dirt.

I think a nuclear war would make it a lot easier for me to meet women. First, there wouldn’t be nearly as many men around to compete with, and second, I like a girl with a good tan.

The arrogant called, they want their sarcasm back.

In the interest of being politically correct, dumb people are now to be called “intelligentless.”

Five things you never hear a doctor say: 1) “Golf? No I don’t play golf.” 2) “How am I supposed to know what that is?” 3) “A lawyer is on the phone? Awesome! Put him right through.” 4) “You’re going to have to increase the amount of bacon in your diet.” 5) “Sure there’s room in the office for my child’s drawings. I’ll just take down these diplomas.”

Not a single bid was placed at the auction for the deaf.

There is a lengthy instruction booklet that came with my binoculars. It can be summarized as follows: Look through binoculars. See things bigger.

My garbage man talks a lot of trash.

In baseball, instead of intentionally walking a guy, why not just intentionally hit him with the pitch? You get the same result, and it’s a lot more fun for the pitcher.

“You’re in no shape to be moving around,” said the circle to the triangle.

Five activist groups that need to be created: 1) The Order of Realists Opposing Cheery Clichés 2) The Harley Davidson Mid-Life Crisis Collaboration 3) The Taking Out Your Nose Ring for Societal Welfare Mission 4) The Partnership for Not Making a Spectacle of Yourself at the Chinese Buffet 5) The Committee for Comprehending Some of What Your Teenage Daughter Just Said

“Kidnapping” doesn’t sound like a crime. It sounds really quiet and peaceful.

If the guy that works at the post office puts up a picture of his wife next to his desk, I bet people get her confused with the wanted criminals.

3! of one, a half dozen of the other.

“Feet don’t fail me now!” You know, a man who talks to his feet probably deserves to be captured.

Superglue comes from thoroughbred horses.

Five things rarely heard in the teacher’s lounge: 1) “My students are so hard working.”

2) “Gosh our copier works well.” 3) “I am so glad I never went back to school for that law degree.” 4) “Our istration certainly knows what they’re doing.” 5) “You should supplement your portfolio with gold or silver for easy liquidation.”

I had a dream that I was lying on the couch watching TV. Wait a minute . . . did that really happen?

I hate people who slow down convenience store lines by writing checks. I mean come on, lady! Some of us have to buy lottery tickets here!

Interesting statistic: 90% of zookeepers said that the thing they like most about America is freedom.

You know what “Tebow” spells backward? “Wobet.” That’s exactly how a 2 year old pronounces “Robot.” Tim Tebow is a robot sent from heaven to win football games at the last minute in the name of the Lord.

“Et tu, Brute?” You can bet there were expletives deleted before that quote made it to print.

Five places you shouldn’t take your kids: 1) Haircutland

2) Chores R Us 3) Broccoli Kingdom 4) Dentist World 5) The International House of Homework

There’s an ancient prophecy that predicts that no one will ever be able to tell the future.

They say that if you look at a faraway galaxy, you’re actually seeing millions of years into the past. So I made a sign out of lights and put it on my roof that says, “By the time you read this, we’ll have already taken over your galaxy.”

New words: Chingers—noun. The orange fingers you have after eating Cheetos. Chingerprints—noun. The orange fingerprints you leave after licking Chingers.

How about a movie about a big shark that is eating people. Some guys go out in a boat to catch it, but the boat runs out of gas. Then the guys eat each other. There are other ways you could end it too, I guess.

Headline of the future:

Staring Contest World Champion Dies of Eye Infection

Five people who are at a disadvantage: 1) An anorexic in a pie eating contest. 2) A NBA center in a lightning storm. 3) A Sumo wrestler playing strip poker. 4) A child who stutters at a spelling bee. 5) A colorblind amputee playing Twister

In the airports, they tell you to report any suspicious behavior. Isn’t that in itself a suspicious behavior?

I can’t help but wonder, “How much time do I spend wondering?”

2 out of every 10 people quote meaningless statistics.

“This is not the answer of a question” is the only phrase of words that could not possibly be the answer of a question—except for the question, “What is the only phrase of words that could not possibly be the answer of a question?”

Do you know how you can tell if you are a genius? Thought so.

Five candies that never made it: 1) Senior Mints

2) Staphy Taffy 3) Gummi Bowels 4) Surly Ranchers 5) Reese’s Eggplant Cups

Headline of the past:

John F. Kennedy Shot Dead in Texas Assassin Safely in Custody Awaiting Trial “An Open and Shut Case” Says FBI

If you’re a professional juggler in the circus, and you’re all having coffee one morning before the show, and somebody knocks a cup off the table, and you catch it before it hits the ground, I bet nobody even says anything.

Hablas a español bien, o se desperdicia su tiempo traducir estas palabras.

You know, some people will drive 5 miles to a gym, walk 10 miles on a treill, and then drive 5 miles back home.

The only people that should be allowed to say, “That’s how I roll,” are people in wheelchairs.

Five people who fit right in: 1) A mime in a library 2) A pirate in a costume shop 3) A man with scoliosis in the hall of mirrors 4) A person with severe dandruff in a snowstorm 5) A fully armed Green Beret in a high school cafeteria

Environmentalists can take comfort in the fact that deforestation will soon end one way or another.

Headline of the future:

Manager of Pet Hotel Missing Pets Appear Unusually Well Fed

It’s a myth that Marie Antoinette said, “Let them eat cake,” when she was told that the French people were running out of bread. What she really said was, “Let me eat cake while I think of a new way to exploit those ungrateful French peasants.”

The easiest way to stay in shape has got to be sleepwalking.

Interesting fact: It’s not very difficult to break into a factory that manufactures fencing.

Five people who call in sick: 1) A Times Square street sweeper on New Year’s Day 2) The hatcheck girl on the first day of the Arab-Israeli Peace Talks 3) The court reporter at the Auctioneers vs. the State of New York trial 4) A Civil War drummer after receiving word of the invention of the Gatling gun 5) The golf course superintendent the day after the American Blind Golf Association Championship

Have you noticed that you just don’t see anyone torn limb from limb anymore? Maybe it’s because of the dwindling bear population.

A hidden advantage of global warming: less freezing to death.

I have to confess that I am not very familiar with the back of my hand.

The problem with our schools? They’ve forgotten one of the venerable principles of education. If you want to teach someone something they’ll never forget, give them a good old-fashioned beating.

You would think that Batman would have a high, squeaky voice.

Five ways you know you’re not too busy: 1) You purchased white carpet 2) All of your spoons have names 3) You’ve memorized every line of Troll 2 4) You don’t have to look at your remote control to use it 5) You always say yes when asked if you’ll answer a brief survey after calling a help line

What’s the most expensive nut? I’d guess cashews.

I heard this nutritionist talking about how bad are all the preservatives in foods these days. You know what else is bad for you? Botulism; that’s the disease you get when you eat food without preservatives.

Warning: If you doze off while sitting in the Fountain of Youth you’ll revert back to an embryo and drown.

The NFL rule which states that a player has to have two feet in bounds to complete a reception is unfair. It automatically precludes handicapped people who have only one leg from becoming NFL receivers. They could play in college, though.

It is more difficult to redeem my frequent flyer mileage than it is to become a commercial pilot.

Five things you don’t want to hear from your veterinarian: 1) That’s not a decimal point, it’s a comma. 2) This is a worm infection dogs get from humans. 3) Just give him this rectally every two hours for six weeks. 4) You’re dog wasn’t sick, it was pregnant. Here are your 12 new puppies. 5) No, it was a whole crate of tarantulas that broke. Wait—turn around really slowly.

The other day, for the first time in my life, I saw someone slip on a banana peel. It was hilarious.

Time Out!

What’s with all the time outs you see in sports these days? These guys are supposed to be professional athletes. They can’t play for 15 straight minutes? You don’t see a surgeon calling a time out, or a soldier, or a guy on an assembly line. Most of us have to work constantly until lunch, and we aren’t making a hundredth of what these guys are making. There needs to be no time outs, and 8 hour games, every day, 5 days a week. They can eat during half-time. And if the game goes to overtime, then OK, give them a time out. Oh sure, they’ll say that in most jobs, you aren’t getting hit all the time. Try doing high school bus duty and see if you still say that.

You know the dream where you’re chewing on your own umbilical cord? I have that one a lot too.

I read that in the United States, accidents are the fifth leading cause of death. Everyone else must be dying on purpose.

You know who doesn’t care one bit about rising fuel costs? The guy I have locked in the trunk of my car.

Five things that are unimpressive: 1) A lottery strategy seminar 2) Pee Wee football ing statistics 3) A Jewish break dancing competition 4) Iron Maiden’s high school transcripts 5) The Somalian Department of Education website

Note to vegetarians: carbon atoms are carbon atoms, regardless of how they are arranged.

Wino—Poor guy that likes to get drunk. Wine Connoisseur—Rich guy that likes to get drunk.

I can’t the last time I got a forget-me-not.

When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to precede important government documents with eloquent immaterial expressions.

Real question asked by an Astronomy student after hearing that your weight on the moon is 1/6 of what it is on the Earth: “So could people just go to the moon instead of going on a diet?”

Have you ever thought about the fact that the basic premise behind a video arcade is to take money from children?

Five things you’ll never hear from a golfer: 1) “Please feel free to talk while I hit this shot.” 2) “Let’s just have a fun game. We don’t have to gamble.” 3) “No, these clubs are great. The problem is my lack of talent.” 4) “I can’t play the back nine. I’ve got to go home and spend time with the family.” 5) “It’s great to see how much longer than me you’re hitting it. I’m very happy for you!”

I have 20/.000000001 vision. I can see the back of my head from around the world.

I looked up the word “technophobe” in the dictionary. It said, “A guy who still uses a dictionary.”

I looked up the word “word” in the dictionary. It said, “Any one of these.”

When someone says, “Never a dull moment”, that’s a dull moment.

Scientists would tell you that suicide is probably the best way to reduce your carbon footprint. Even more so if you don’t have yourself cremated.

Dyslexia of form odd an have I.

Does a blind man see stars if he gets hit in the head? It might be enjoyable for him if he does.

The five types of literature students: Type A—The student who reads the novel Type B—The student too lazy to read the novel who just reads the Cliff Notes Type C—The student too lazy to read the Cliff Notes who just rents the movie Type D—The student who asks a friend to summarize the novel Type E—The student who asks a friend to summarize the movie

The other day on the highway I saw a hunchback standing next to a “Low Shoulder” sign.

Headline of the future:

World Hide and Seek Champion Comes Out of Hiding “They stopped looking for you 20 years ago,” he was told.

Real question asked by a Biology student after learning about flowers: “If flowers are the reproductive structures of plants, isn’t it kind of perverted that people are sniffing them all of the time?”

You know that great feeling you get when you’re sorting the laundry and you go through your pockets and find a twenty-dollar bill? That’s never happened to me.

I think I recovered a repressed memory that I’ve since forgotten.

I’m Sorry, OK?

I was shopping at a hardware store down the road where all of the employees wear red, and I just happened to be wearing a red shirt. So this guy comes up to me and asks me if I could help him with something, and I tell him I’m sorry but I don’t work there. Well, he gets angry and kind of storms off. Can you believe that? I’ve seen him around town a couple of times since then, and I think he’s still mad at me because he won’t wave or make eye or anything. I feel kind of bad that this guy hates me. I was thinking of maybe getting a job at the hardware store next summer to try to make it up to him.

Five things you don’t see often: 1) A self-deprecating rapper. 2) A laid back pro wrestler. 3) A morbidly obese mannequin. 4) A billionaire in a phone booth. 5) A puppet giving the Heimlich maneuver to a choking ventriloquist while singing the National Anthem.

A new tactic used by terrorists is to make really scary Halloween costumes.

Take with food is written on the label of some diet pills I have.

I was watching this guy get pummeled for 12 rounds in a boxing match the other day, and after it was over, the announcer said, “You know, he never gave up. He kept on fighting to the end.” Well, even if he had given up, he would have fought until the end, because the point at which he gave up would have been the end of the fight.

I can’t stand pointless questions. You know what I mean?

If it were a snake, you would have seen it.

Five things that are empty:

1) An Amish blog 2) A prisoner’s to do list 3) A faculty meeting snack tray 4) The promise of a five year old 5) The calories in a meal you eat at the circus

They say you should lift with your legs, not with your back. What about my arms? Can I lift with my arms?

Interesting fact: At one point every one of us was the youngest person in the world.

These people who are speed-readers and can read a novel in one day think that they’re so great. Well, I’ve got some news for you. While you were reading that book, I watched two movies, three sitcoms, and a game show.

Without all of the radiation, nuclear fallout would be rather pleasant.

Headline of the future:

Large Bold Font Proclaimed Illegal Editors Punished by Public Hanging

Five modern day sign translations:

Sign Stop Speed Limit 50 10 Minute Parking Men Working

Translation Slow down Speed Limit 60 Two Hour Parking One ManWorking, Six Men Watching

Do Not Back Up— Severe Tire Damage

Do Not Back Up— Severe Tire Damage

A friend of mine died from having a song stuck in his head. They played it at his funeral. I forgot what it was.

Trouble with Tribbles? No, I think the trouble is with the Mr. Spock costume you insist on wearing when watching forty-year-old mediocre science fiction reruns.

How much is a fathom? I cannot fathom.

You know what fathers really want for Father’s Day? Not to be bothered with another stupid holiday.

What do you think the Swiss Family Robinson’s pest control bill runs?

Five things I can imagine, but I’ve yet to see: 1) No one laughing at a fat man dancing 2) A wealthy Texan driving a compact hybrid 3) A goal scored in any sport with minimal celebration 4) A weight loss show where no one gets overly emotional 5) A female hippie living near the beach that doesn’t make her own jewelry

The invisible man can’t sunburn.

In the ghost world, they tell human stories.

At retirement parties, you always hear the phrase, “Things won’t be the same without you.” This is quite true. For starters, the person retiring will no longer be there.

The fish I caught the other day was this big.

It’s so embarrassing how bad is our kids’ grammar.

Five things you don’t want to hear your pilot say: 1) “Which way is north?” 2) “My navigator just sat on my glasses.” 3) “That engine is supposed to be on, isn’t it?” 4) “The turbulence you may experience is due to my periodic seizures.” 5) “Now let’s all together in song to celebrate this plane’s 80th birthday!”

It’s good to root for your alma mater, unless they’re playing my alma mater.

I was told that “KISS” is an acronym for “keep it simple stupid.” You know, it’s difficult for me to take constructive criticism while I’m being insulted.

There must have been a first time someone ever said, “There’s a first time for everything.”

A guy driving a hearse carrying a body ought to be able to use the carpool lane.

If it makes you feel any better, the hunters that killed Bambi’s mother were well below their limit.

Interesting fact: Nasal congestion goes right away when you’re being dragged behind a horse.

Five things that are long and tedious: 1) George “the Animal” Steele’s full body waxing 2) A hike up Mt. Kilimanjaro led by Newt Gingrich 3) The national anthem at a Nashville monster truck rally 4) Grading the community college remedial English final exam essays 5) The audio release of the Old Testament read in its entirety by Stephen Hawking

I’ve got a good idea for a new Olympic sport. It’s called interestball. It’s an Olympic sport people are actually interested in watching.

Steel wool comes from robot sheep.

I have a theory about what killed the dinosaurs. Really big dinosaurs ate all of

the other dinosaurs then flew away. Right now, though, it’s not much more than an educated guess.

Ornithologists have figured out that gobble gobble means don’t eat me.

What’s the Thanksgiving turkey thankful for?

Five things that remind me I’m about to give a test: 1) The students are studying 2) The students are begging 3) The students are absent 4) The students are crying 5) I’m happy

Why did the seeker cross the road? To get to the other’s hide.

Why would the same word ever have two meanings? There are plenty of unused words. Bluck for instance, or flackheed. Either of these could be used to replace a homonym.

New word: Escalean—verb. The stretch you end up doing on the escalator when the hand rail is moving faster than the stairs.

Do midgets prefer Chiclets?

Iu typoed thbis wiuth my fooit./

Your heart can’t “skip a beat.” The beat after the last beat is the next beat.

Five more activist groups that need to be created: 1) Institute for the Expulsion of Speedos 2) The Bad Toupee Community Awareness Service 3) People for the Ethical Treatment of Elvis’ memory 4) The Council for Way Too Enthusiastic Soccer Moms 5) The Sitting Here Waiting Without a Menu Syndicate

I looked over my withered, wrinkled skin and wondered where the time had gone. Then I ed that I had fallen asleep in the bathtub.

Do you know why Superman doesn’t lift weights? It’s because there’s not enough weight.

It’s quite impossible to “turn the other cheek” as the expression implies. Since the cheeks lie relatively parallel to one another on the face, turning one necessitates turning both.

Here’s a little message to all of you out there with narcissistic personality disorder: I’m talking about you now.

What’s with all the death threats you keep hearing about? Back in the good old days, you either killed the guy or you didn’t.

Five ways you know you won the big game: 1) Your coach isn’t complaining about the referees. 2) People who can’t play sports want to talk to you about sports. 3) You’re hugging a guy you shoved into a locker just two days ago. 4) You’re name is in the paper for something other than criminal misconduct. 5) People are pouring champagne on you and you’re not at a frat party or filming a rap video.

Headline of the future:

World Champion Hot Dog Eater Accidentally Eats His Own Thumb

I don’t think the Wright brothers could have predicted that in 100 years their first names would sound so goofy.

Would you suggest chicken soup for someone suffering from avian flu?

Real student comment from Biology class: The class learned that there are about 100 million bacteria per square inch on your skin, and they aren’t removed by cleaning or showering. Upon hearing this, a student remarked, “I guess that means I’ll never be lonely.”

If I lived where there were a lot of earthquakes, I’d just build my house on stilts, away from where the shaking is so bad.

You don’t see many stable boys nowadays. I guess shoveling manure has lost its romance.

Five exclamations you often hear from firemen: 1) Gin rummy! 2) Man I love the color red! 3) Well, spray it with the hose! 4) Your turn to wash the truck! 5) Hot? Boy you don’t know what hot is!

It’s difficult to distinguish between someone with freckles and someone with numerous small brown tattoos.

You really want to screw up a kid? Name it Mommy.

The fact that light can go right through the invisible man would probably favor the wave nature of light over the particle nature of light. I’d have to watch more movies to draw a firm conclusion.

So how’s my steam locomotive stock doing?

The other day I heard some guy say, “I like a good steak.” Well, yeah. If you think it’s good, we already know that you like it. No need to be redundant. Now shut up and finish your steak.

Five things they haven’t thought of yet: 1) Meat-flavored ice cream 2) Olympic Sleeping Competition 3) Testing the Cookie Monster for diabetes 4) An Idiot’s Guide to Organizing Your Idiot’s Guides 5) A super hero whose power is that he is completely normal in every way

They say that the new stealthy fighter planes have the radar signature of a sparrow. How do you think the enemy interprets a sparrow flying at twice the speed of sound?

If we’re all so gung-ho about recycling, then it’s time we started talking about eating human meat.

A Better Keyboard

Modern keyboards don’t make sense. There is too much space devoted to letters, and the letters are in a bizarre order. Instead, they should just have numbers, with a numerical code for each letter. Then the could just enter the appropriate numerical code for each letter they wanted to type. The reader would then simply have to memorize the code for each letter and decode the message while reading the numbers.

A hidden advantage of deforestation: it’s easier to find Bigfoot.

You know those dreams where you realize that you’ve come to work naked? I bet those are especially disturbing to beekeepers.

Five people who I don’t like what they do: 1) A man in a restaurant who pulls up his shirt and rubs his stomach after his meal. 2) A guy in a Santa suit throwing up in the alley behind the mall. 3) People who clear their throats for an extended period of time. 4) A guy who trains his dog to roll up the car window. 5) A guy who parks in a handicapped spot and then jumps out of the car singing.

You know when someone waves at you and you wave back, and then you realize that they’re actually waving at someone behind you? When that happens to me I like to go up and introduce myself to the person so that it won’t happen again.

Next big selling item: Fresh Mountain Air, $2.00 a bottle.

Headline of the Future:

Man Crawls Out From Under Rock He’s Asking Lots of Questions

Monopoly isn’t very realistic, is it? I mean, if you own four railroads, you’re not going to be worried about paying for a night in a Boardwalk hotel. You’re probably not even going to set foot in Atlantic City in the first place.

Comic book readers shouldn’t worry about Plastic Man. Even if he dies, he can be recycled.

Five things that you’d rather not find in your stocking this Christmas: 1) Reindeer jerky 2) Day old eggnog 3) Two turtle doves 4) A doctor’s bill from Santa for the broken chimney flue 5) A note in shaky handwriting that says, “I know when you are sleeping.”

Little known fact: In houses that don’t have chimneys, Santa comes in through the oven hood exhaust vent.

People with multiple personality disorder can be their own secret Santa.

The Kids These Days

The kids these days are so spoiled with their toys. Xbox? Are you kidding me? Back when I was a kid, all we had was box. It was a cardboard box that came with someone else’s present. We’d sit in the box, and that was our idea of fun. If you were lucky, someone would come visit you in your box. And maybe your friend would close you up in the box, and then you’d have to find a way to escape. That was about as good as it would get. Of course, after a few years they came out with box 360. That’s when you’d spin around a few times inside the box. That was a big technological improvement. Pretty soon after that though, they came out with workstation. It was kind of like box, but different. I always thought that box was better. It’s really a matter of opinion though. Workstation was pretty good. One of our friends had both box and workstation. Everyone was jealous of him, but his parents were pretty rich. Anyway, the kids these days

are definitely spoiled.

There are whispers that Santa wears a red suit to hide the elf blood.

Santa bringing you coal isn’t a bad thing if he brings you enough coal.

Five reindeer Santa left in the barn: 1) Cancer 2) Nixon 3) Vomit 4) Flasher 5) Adolf

My New Year’s resolution? To stop writing about how much better I am than everyone else.

I gave my nephew a city of Rome model kit for Christmas. He finished it in one day.

It’s been calculated that you have less of a chance of winning the lottery than you do of being shot dead at the convenience store while waiting to buy lottery tickets.

New word: Ovapause—noun. The awkward time period between when a couple of people try to start a standing ovation and when everyone else reluctantly decides to get up.

If I could lose just one pound with each type of workout machine on the market, I wouldn’t be here.

Living on the Atlantic Ocean, aren’t you just a little jealous of the people on the Pacific because their ocean is bigger? Just think about how the people on the Indian Ocean feel. What a lame ocean they have.

Five things you never hear on a teacher’s workday: 1) “Gosh I miss the children.” 2) “I wish the istration would schedule some meetings. What are we supposed to do all day?” 3) “I’m pretty much done with everything. Let me go see if the cleaning staff needs some help.” 4) “I should have given more essays on these exams since I have the extra time to grade them.” 5) “An hour for lunch? That’s crazy! There’s work to be done. We should get the same amount of time the students get; 24 minutes.”

The number of college bowl games has doubled every 20 years for the last 60 years. At this rate, in 120 years, every single game will be a bowl game. In 160 years, every game will be four bowl games.

You can’t blame a guy for trying? What about a guy who’s trying to kill the President?

The other day I had a good friend tell me he was gay. It’s not that he likes men, he likes women very much. But he was full of light-heartedness and merriment, so that’s what he meant when he said he was gay.

Real question asked by a Biology student during a lecture about intestinal parasites and the diseases they cause: “Mr. Willis, can I go to the bathroom? I’m pretty sure I have amoebic dysentery.”

Interesting fact: In the game of scrabble, it’s impossible to spell a word that has more than three Qs.

It is a myth that if your college roommate dies, you automatically get a 4.0 for the semester. However, it is true that in colleges where it is popularly known that this is a myth, the survival rate of students is significantly higher.

Five people who fit right in: 1) A poet at the welfare office 2) A traffic cop at a dog show 3) A math savant at a bowling tournament 4) A NASCAR driver in a high school parking lot 5) A man with narcolepsy at a professional baseball game

Jack strikes me as being very attentive, and I strike Jack while he’s standing there listening.

Poetry? Don’t know any.

There’s a common myth that says Mr. Rogers from the kids TV show Mr. Rogers

Neighborhood was a Navy Seal sniper. It’s not true. In actuality he tortured people for the CIA.

The odds of getting Alzheimer’s disease are umm . . . .

Why do they use the term “check” in chess? Clearly it belongs in the game of checkers.

Boston Garden, Madison Square Garden; it seems a little silly doesn’t it, grown men playing in the garden?

Five random thoughts I’ve had: 1) It would be neat to see a “Tresing OK” sign. 2) If Abe Lincoln had a five dollar bill, who was on it? 3) Why would I care how much your new baby weighs? 4) I’ve never seen nor known anyone who’s ever seen quicksand. 5) Most people wash their hands before they eat and then again after they use the restroom. That makes it a complete cycle!

Interesting statistic: 80% of blind people know that the top letter on the eye chart is E.

Why do genies live in lamps? You’d think with all those wishes they’d have someplace nice.

True Sports Heroes

One day I’d like to see two teams at the end of the season get together and decide to set some records since they are so far out of the playoff hunt. For example, a basketball team could take its worst player and have it worked out with the other team to let him score every time. I’m not talking about just falling to the side while the guy is driving in for a layup, I’m talking about blatantly ing the ball into this guy on the opposite team and boosting him up so he can lay it in, then doing it over and over again. I calculate that you could get the guy to score about 20 baskets a minute this way. For 48 minutes, that’s almost 3000 points. The single most incredible performance in basketball history! And done by a total no name! A twice cut reject! A 38-year-old 5 foot 10 inch benchwarmer with bad knees! And what entertainment! Wouldn’t that be fun to watch? People would come out in droves every time those teams met. It would be even better in sports that aren’t timed, like baseball. How many walks do you think a pitcher could throw in a game, before he wears out? Maybe a thousand walks? He could get more if he pitched underhanded. Maybe 10,000 walks, if he could stay awake that long. How about two pro tennis players who see how long they can hit it back and forth across the net to each other? Not hard and exciting, but real soft. And high too! Hit it underhanded. Could you imagine five 7-6 tiebreaking sets of this? They could go for weeks! What about a golfer who just never makes the last putt? What does he care? He’s dead last already. Go ahead and thousand putt! Putt until some official has to come out and physically drag the player off of the green. The player could be screaming “I was about to make it!” while getting pulled away. The thing is, if anything great like this ever happened, some officiating committee would come in and ruin it all. They’d say that it wasn’t in the spirit of the sport, or that it wasn’t professional, and they’d throw a bunch of fines and suspensions around, disallow the records, and basically ruin everyone’s fun. Ah, but I wouldn’t forget! I would always Izzy Cohen’s 3000 point night, the day Sleepy Gordon the 70 year old janitor pitched a perfect game, and Chubby Jenkins’ 1,000 yards rushing in one half while finishing off a hundred hot chicken wings. They would be my heroes!

Little known fact: Khrushchev was banging his shoe because there was some sand in it.

There’s recent archeological evidence which indicates that the Neanderthals were religious. So how did that work out for them?

Five things you’ll never hear from a fisherman: 1) “I’ve never caught a very big fish before.” 2) “Here, you bait the hook.” 3) “My boat is so incredibly slow.” 4) “No, we don’t drink beer while we fish.” 5) “We’ll get started early—say around 10:00?”

You hear a lot of people these days upset at how big all of the pro football players are getting. But how come no one is upset about how small the gymnasts are getting?

If I had a nickel for every time someone asked me for a nickel, I’d have the same amount of money that I have now.

Cannibal women that won’t share their recipes become part of a recipe.

Headline of the future:

Bill Calls for Increased Efficiencies for Cars That Run On Water

Cost of Water Tops $6.00 Per Gallon

The letter of the law? It’s L right?

I wonder how many of those people from Pimp My Ride have been carjacked since the show.

Five people who are at a disadvantage: 1) A seven foot jockey 2) A redheaded matador 3) A milkman in a paintball tournament 4) An African bushman at a Star Trek convention 5) A manic-depressive at the World Series of Poker

You know, I’m impressed with those Marines that spin their rifles around in sync with one another, but why not train them to fight instead?

Real question asked by a Biology student during a lecture about the digestive abilities of the stomach: “So in a pregnant mother, why isn’t the baby digested along with the food?” (The student understandably thought the baby developed in the mother’s stomach)

Is it better to have a stalker than to have nobody care about you?

Two roads diverged in a yellow wood

and sorry I could not travel both and by my dozer long I stood and looked down one as far as I could then mowed them over for the new Starbucks.

When someone comes up to me on Election Day and says, “Make sure you vote,” I always ask them who they voted for, then I go vote for the other candidate to negate their vote.

29.6 milliliters of prevention is worth 454 grams of cure.

Five things you rarely hear the president say: 1) “What Constitution?” 2) “Pull over; I want to get another tattoo.” 3) “You’d take a bullet for me? Well prove it.” 4) “I thought this was just dinner. I have to speak too?” 5) “I swear, if I have to listen to one more protest, I’m pushing the button.”

Some people are in awe of birds and their ability to fly. I’m in awe when I see a bird get sucked through the rotors of a jet engine.

I went to a gym in my town called Anytime Fitness. It was closed. The sign on the door said to jump up and down until they get back.

From a dead person’s perspective, rolling over in one’s grave is probably a good thing.

Fire Drill

What’s with all the fire drills we’re always having at school? If the building is on fire, leave. We get it. Everyone gets it. The kids don’t need to practice leaving school. If there’s one thing high school students are good at, it’s leaving school. And the experts will tell you that when a fire actually happens, it takes everybody by surprise because no one ever takes the time to plan an escape route. But that’s not true at all with the students. All they do is plan their escape route. That’s what they’re doing instead of paying attention in class. As a matter of fact, if there’s a fire, it’s most likely been set by students as a way of escaping school.

Some white trash neighbors moved in next door. They recycle paper every week.

How much wood could a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could chuck wood? Twelve board feet per day it is thought by people who specialize in this sort of thing.

Five names for pro wrestlers that had to be changed: 1) Triple A 2) Richard Flair 3) Helpful Hogan 4) The Puppet Show 5) Andre the Gentlemen

“Hanging by a thread” isn’t precarious at all, provided the thread is made from fullerene carbon nanotubes.

We humans have all sorts of technology and resources, and yet we struggle so much. On the other hand, one of our closest animal relatives, Mountain Gorillas, have none of this, and look how well they’re doing.

You don’t hear much about trapdoors anymoooooooore . . .

Yes that’s how dogs greet each other. But there’s got to be a few out there that simply enjoy butt sniffing.

My gut instinct? Hunger.

New word: Fridgewishing—noun. The thirty seconds of blank stare one makes into a refrigerator that contains no desirable food.

Five people I’m uncomfortable around: 1) A barber with a lazy eye. 2) A sperm bank nurse with a milk mustache. 3) A surgeon with a wooden leg who’s staring at my feet. 4) A guy who is looking at his watch and pointing a gun up in the air. 5) A clerk that holds my $20 bill up to the light for more than 20 seconds then calls the manager.

If I had a robot, I wouldn’t name him Tobor.

A Message from the Audio Book Narrator

As the audio book narrator, I’ve decided I’d take a moment to stop reading what is written in the book and instead to discuss some of my inadequacies with you, the listeners. Again, none of this is written in the book, I’m speaking on my own accord. First of all, I’m doing this job for a laughable amount of payment. In most countries this would be considered slave labor. But I owe Tom, the author, a lot of money due to my gambling addiction, so this is a way for me to begin paying him back. Tom is a great person by the way, who gave me every opportunity in the world to make amends. The man is a saint. Anyway, I never learned how to ride a bike, swim, or drive. Walking is about the only way I ever get anywhere, and I have to do it in the daytime because I’m afraid of the dark. My mother still spanks me, and I’m in my late forties. One thing you should know is that I thoroughly enjoy watching farm animals mate. This is something that pleasures me immensely. It’s probably related to the fact that I have particularly small reproductive organs, so small they are virtually nonfunctional. I also have a problem controlling my bowels. OK, thanks for listening to that, my therapist suggested I should get it all off my chest. Now I’ll continue reading the rest of the book to you.

A woman at the grocery store was checking me out the other night.

My friend thinks that a canned soda tastes just as good as a fountain soda, but that makes sense because he has no tongue.

Is it blasphemy to say, “Bless you,” to a devil worshiper when he sneezes?

Note to germaphobes: Your pee is way more sterile than the soap and water you use to wash your hands with afterward.

Five signs you aren’t ready for the test: 1) The test is over Mendelian Genetics, and you have no idea what that is. 2) You’ve asked a friend if there’s a test less than 5 minutes before the test. 3) You strategically positioned yourself between the two smartest kids in the class. 4) It’s been so long since you attended class that you’re having trouble finding it. 5) Your blood alcohol level significantly sures your grade point average.

To kill a unicorn you have to shoot about six inches below the horn.

I bought the book An Idiot’s Guide to Being an Idiot the other day. It was a bunch of empty pages and a single sentence that read, “Just keep doing what you’re doing buddy.”

To solve the global warming problem, geneticists should come up with a new species that will take in the dangerous gases and give off useful gases. They could “plant” this new species all over, and we would protect this species because it would be saving our lives. Of course, this type of technology is a long way off.

In the interest of being inoffensive, from now on funerals are to be called dying parties.

You’d be surprised at how many people you’ll find at the gym at 5:30 in the morning. So would I, because I’m never there that early.

The chlorofluorocarbon generator I bought sure does use a lot of gas!

Five statements I’ve made at different times in my life that didn’t quite pan out: 1) Age 5—“Harder, daddy, push harder! I want to go higher!” 2) Age 10—“. . . and a corndog, and cotton candy, and ice cream. And then I want to go on the Teacups again!” 3) Age 15—“Grab the keys! Mom and Dad won’t be back for hours!” 4) Age 20—“Relax, it’s a party. These guys don’t care that we’re not in their fraternity. Just try to act cool.” 5) Age 25—“Gorgeous, you’re the greatest thing that’s ever happened to me in my life. I’m so lucky to have met you!”

After being struck by lightning, its best to just stay still and not do anything.

I managed to get out of a ticket last week by sending a $300 money order to the magistrate court.

It’s a myth that peeing on a jellyfish sting helps sooth the pain. The urination is done only to further humiliate the victim.

Interesting fact: As soon as it became popular to have a parrot as a pet, pirates started to disappear.

The M&Ms slogan is, “The milk chocolate melts in your mouth, not in your hand.” But what if you hold in your hand a small pool of warm mucous?

Thomas Edison did not actually invent the light bulb. But he did invent a great method for stealing the credit for someone else’s invention.

Five things you never hear in the boy’s locker room: 1) “Wow, this place smells nice.” 2) “Oh, good, here comes a freshman we don’t know.” 3) “I hope coach doesn’t forget how out of shape we were last game.” 4) “Hey, no talking about girls. We need to get focused for today’s practice.” 5) “Don’t throw that towel on the floor! Now somebody’s going to have to clean that up!”

Do you know that there are more people on earth that die each year from bites of Brazilian Wandering Spiders than there are who become critically injured in situations involving confetti?

If you win an Olympic gold medal it doesn’t mean that you’re the best in the world. It means you’re the best in the world at that sport. There are still a lot of people better than you overall.

If you’re allergic to allergy medication, how long does it take you to figure that out?

There’s a guy named Gus who rides the bus and makes a fuss if his hair is mussed. It’s a true story. The fact that all of those words rhyme is simply coincidence.

When a person says, “What’ll they think of next?” it makes me think of slapping that person.

Wal-Mart’s five laws: 1) The size of the store is inversely proportional to the average IQ of the people who shop there. 2) The amount of money saved while shopping is equal to the amount of self respect lost per trip. 3) As the area of the store approaches infinity, the probability of finding help approaches zero. 4) The length of time spent in the checkout line is in direct proportion to the age of the greeter. 5) Regardless of fluctuations in the global economy the power of the company remains constant.

Wooden nickels are probably a valuable collector’s item.

I know a guy who has the body of an Olympic athlete, the brains of a rocket scientist, and the hands of a surgeon. He hides them in a freezer in his basement.

I got my Master’s degree in Counterfeit Document Design. It really didn’t take me that long.

You know, weeds aren’t so bad if your weed is a single uniform species, covers your entire yard, is easily mowed, doesn’t require much water, and harbors few parasitic insects.

Have you noticed that you really haven’t heard much about Tang since the Apollo program ended?

Five things you don’t want to hear your lawyer say: 1) “Habeas corpus? That’s Latin! I can’t speak Latin!” 2) “I ran over that juror’s dog on the way to work today.” 3) “No, not Harvard, I went to Hovart. It’s in Wisconsin.” 4) “The best cell I could get you is in the Aryan wing.” 5) “I need you to hold this bag for me for a few days. Don’t look in it.”

Why am I all up in your grill? Because I’m a grill repairman, silly!

A recent study showed that nearly 1/5 of Americans couldn’t locate the United

States on a map. That’s a lot even if you don’t count the blind people.

Headline of the past:

James Naismith Invents New Game Called Basketball Basket Placed 10 Feet High So No One Can Reach It

If you tell someone a secret, it is no longer secret. So what then is the original source?

When Dr. Jekyll becomes Mr. Hyde, not only does he turn into a ruthless homicidal maniac, but he also loses his medical degree.

If you added up all of the money spent on campaigning and taken in by political fundraising, you’d have enough to solve most of the problems no matter who is in office.

Five ways you can tell that you’re dead: 1) Your kids are selling your stuff. 2) Buzzards are eating your carcass. 3) Even though you did all of those drugs you’re not the least bit hung over. 4) You’re lying in a box that costs five times as much as any bed you ever owned.

5) Your friends are all gathered together in church singing and crying, and you’ve never seen any of them do any of those things.

You think third world countries are bad? How about fourth world countries? I mean, try getting a decent night of sleep at a hotel on Phobos or Deimos.

If “failure is not an option,” then what’s the inspiring speech for? It sounds like everything is going to be fine.

New word: Parkbroken—adjective. The feeling you have when you think you see an open parking space further down the lot but when you get up to it you find out that there is already a very small car in it.

A hidden advantage of nuclear winter: subsequent winters seem mild by comparison.

Why don’t circus knife throwers become professional dart players? I guess there’s not much money in either profession.

A wise man once said, “Figure it out for yourself.”

Five guys I don’t like: 1) A guy who’s an obnoxiously loud in your face squash fan 2) A guy thumbing through a magazine in a waiting room who licks his fingers before turning each page. 3) A guy who pours over a menu for more than 10 minutes, and then orders a burger 4) A guy with a Dale Earnhardt bumper sticker going 20 miles per hour under the speed limit 5) A guy who tells you “money can’t buy happiness” over a satellite phone from Buenos Aires

Here’s a little reading test for you. If you can’t understand what is written here, you can’t read.

Do you know that only a fine layer of gradually thinning ozone and a magnetic field whose source is poorly understood separates us from an excruciatingly painful death due to excessive cosmic radiation exposure? Also, you could get hit by a car.

People laugh, but what if a mime really was locked in an invisible box?

If you paint a picture of a picture, without painting the frame into your picture, how do people know that it’s just a picture you’re painting, and not the actual thing?

In the world of professional poker, do they test for steroids? If so, why?

I had lost a lot of blood, and I was getting scared. “You’ll never work in another blood bank again!” my boss yelled.

Five things you never see: 1) A swimming pool fire 2) A clown with a really good tan 3) People who especially hate lighthouses

4) A pro athlete who retires and then becomes a magician 5) A really gruesome traffic accident involving a bookmobile

Headline of the future:

Computers Finally Take Over World! 01100101011000010111010001101101011001010000110100001010

I think a neat story would be about a talking spider that saves the life of a pig by weaving a web that spells things. People would come from all over to see the web, and the spider and pig would both get famous. Then one day people would come by and find the pig entangled in the web, with the spider sucking its blood. The spider would get so big from all of the blood that it would explode, splashing blood all over the people. There’s other ways you could end it too, I guess.

If you sneeze when you are alone, can you bless yourself? If you can do that, why wait till you sneeze?

There are a couple of often-used slogans in our society; “Never quit” used in competition, and “It’s never too late to quit” used by smokers. So where does that leave the competitive smoker?

Why would I want to buy a used car? I’m driving a used car.

Real student comment from Psychology class: The class was taught about an experiment where rats were kept in a cage in which they could press one lever for food and another lever for cocaine, and they always chose the cocaine over the food until they died from starvation. Upon hearing this, a student remarked,

“I wish I lived in a cage like that.”

I think the government gives us a pretty good deal. We get schools, roads, military, policemen, firemen, and emergency aid, all without ever paying any taxes.

Five reasons you didn’t laugh at the previous joke: 1) It was not funny. 2) It was funny, but your mouth is wired shut. 3) It was funny, but you are incapable of laughter due to a gypsy curse. 4) You work for the IRS and you’re tired of people not taking their taxes more seriously. 5) A judge sentenced you to a life without laughter due to a practical joke that went wrong.

Staying healthy is just suicide by aging.

Alaska has one of the highest rates of snowfall and of earthquakes in the world. Has it occurred to anyone that Alaska is actually a giant snow-globe?

Did you hear about the circus caravan that crashed last week? It was a freak accident.

There’s a disease out there and no one knows what it is or where it came from.

There’s no vaccine for it and there’s no test for it. It has no cure and no symptoms. They don’t even know what to call it. You might have it right now and not even know it. Scary, isn’t it?

It’s amazing how many consecutive hours of television these ADD kids can watch.

Star Coercions

If I was Darth Vader, instead of trying to kill Luke, I would have used a different tactic. I would have tried to get to know him first. For instance, maybe I would have invited him to a father-son picnic, and just spent some quality time with him. Then when he says, “This macaroni and cheese is really great,” I’d tell him it was made with the Dark Side recipe. Maybe then he’d take another bite because, hey, what’s the harm? That would be my first step to taking over the galaxy.

Evil Knievel wasn’t really evil, he was just stupid.

Five things you rarely hear from truck drivers: 1) “Just between you and me, I’d take unleaded over diesel fuel any day.” 2) “How many wheels does it have? I don’t know. I’ve never counted.” 3) “I have no idea how long it takes to get to Wichita.” 4) “Country music again! Doesn’t this state have any classical stations?” 5) “Could you hand me that map out of the glove compartment? It’s right under

my doctoral thesis.”

Conspiracy theorists listen up. That’s what they’re doing. They’re trying to make it look like it’s a conspiracy, but it’s not. And we’re the only people that realize it!

It’s ironic that when playing Life, the board game, you are often bored to death.

I can’t stand people who complain about handicapped parking. These people are always saying, “Why are there so many handicapped spaces? They’re wasting too many good spaces!” Look, even if those weren’t handicapped spaces, you wouldn’t be getting them anyway. They’d already be taken, you late arriving jerk.

“Fireman” is a misnomer. “Waterman” is more appropriate.

Do you want to know how good we have it these days? One of the biggest problems in America is that there is a shortage of bees.

It seems like if there were really such things as UFOs, a lot of people would have said that they’ve seen one.

You can’t judge a book by its cover? Here are five books you can judge by their covers: 1) The Bible in Binary 2) Elvis Lives! The Ultimate Proof 3) The Aryan Youth Hate Manual 4) A Comprehensive History of the Letter Q 5) Watching Grass Grow—It’s Not Just a Hobby Anymore

When Again?

The year is 2012. That’s a lot of years to keep up with. How do we know it’s actually 2012? I mean, I trust the guys for the past 400 years or so. That’s all pretty well documented. But what about way back in the Middle Ages? Don’t you think that in the midst of all of the fighting, pillaging, and plagues, they could have screwed up and lost track of the year? I’m not sure I can trust the Barbarians and the Vikings with their ing practices. It doesn’t seem like it was very important to them. For all we know, it could actually be 1985 right now. No wonder I can’t get good cell phone reception.

Every year at election time you hear people saying, “There’s too much government, we need to limit the amount of government.” There should be a law against that kind of complaining.

My three step plan to stop smoking is as follows: Step 1: Make a list of the ten people you love the most. Step 2: Go through old scrap books and find five pictures of yourself when you were at your happiest. Step 3: Stop smoking.

If you’re a vegetarian, does visiting a botanical garden make you hungry?

They say that if you put a blanket over your water heater you can save money on your electric bill. Why don’t they just make the water heater with a blanket already over it?

It always bothers me when they say, “So-and-so was one of the greatest criminal minds of all time.” Well, if he was such a great criminal mind, how come we know who he is?

Five lessons they don’t teach in school but would be more useful for students to learn than most lessons they do teach in school: 1) Résumé Manipulation Workshop 2) How to Tactfully Ignore an Insistent Beggar 3) Avoiding the Gaze of a Police Officer without Looking Suspicious 4) Sucking Up to your Boss behind the Backs of Your Fellow Employees 5) How to Cheat on your Taxes Enough to Get Back Good Money but not Enough to Feel Dishonest

“Why the long face, Phineas Gage?” That’s an example of adding insult to injury.

New word: Wordshock—noun. The realization that you have no idea of what you have been reading for the last few minutes because your mind wandered.

If someone is ever shaking a gun at you demanding your billfold, don’t try to be a hero. Just hand me the wallet, because I don’t want to start any trouble here.

It seems like I share the same birthday with roughly one out of every 365 people I meet.

“Have You Got a Minute?”

Next time someone says “have you got a minute?” say “a minute at what velocity?” And when they ask what that means, explain to them that Einstein’s theory of relativity shows that time changes based upon the velocity one is traveling in relation to an observer. You could even use Einstein’s famous Train Paradox thought experiment to help clarify the idea. This will all take at least a minute, so after that you’re off the hook.

Do you know what the secret service does? I’ll whisper it to you.

You can come up with some really creative ways to make money when you’re being tossed off a bridge by Mafia henchmen.

Five things football players should know about houses: 1) A football stadium is not a house. Houses are where you sleep, not where you work. 2) No one is disrespecting your house. Respect is given to people, not objects. 3) You don’t have to protect this house. Stadium security guards do that. 4) You didn’t build this house. Stadium construction requires thousands of skilled craftsmen. Give them some credit. 5) You shouldn’t play ball in the house.

there’s no Validity tO ThE idea Of suBliminAl MessAging

If those video game flight simulators were realistic, there’d be about 30 minutes where you would be sitting on the ground next to the gate without knowing why.

So let me make sure I have this right. If I give a girl a diamond, then she’ll like me?

A good joke to play on the doctor is to say you have bad hemorrhoids, and when he tells you to take off your pants, have a puppy stuffed in your underwear. Then when it jumps out you can say, “Oh, I guess that was the whole problem after all.”

There’s this guy I know who can predict the past with almost perfect accuracy.

Weed killer doesn’t only kill weeds, it’ll kill anything that drinks enough of it.

Five things you never hear at Spring Break in Panama City: 1) “Finally a little peace and quiet.” 2) “No, it doesn’t smell like urine.” 3) “I brought all of my textbooks so I can read ahead.” 4) “I have to be honest, our fraternity isn’t very good.” 5) “Yes officer, we are belligerent, unruly, and in a state of undress. That’s OK isn’t it?”

In my bag of beef jerky, I found a little white packet that says “Drying Agent: DO NOT EAT”. Has anyone considered the fact that most people that eat beef jerky can’t read?

Up Yours. Up your GPA. Try to raise your GPA is what I’m trying to say.

The idea that it’s harmful to wake a sleepwalker is just a myth. It’s true though that you shouldn’t pour hot tar over them.

Think you have ESP? What do you think I think about that?

Headline of the Past:

Sun Disappears for a Few Minutes Moon Conspicuously Absent

If you wear a cast on your arm, don’t ever, ever dip it into a bucket of honey.

Five things that are short: 1) The Chinese limbo champion 2) A door man’s job description 3) An auctioneer’s wedding vows 4) The vegan menu in a mall food court 5) The list of Nobel Prize winning physicists from Mississippi

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy. The monosyllabic writing style doesn’t help either.

People are sad whenever someone es away, but here’s something to cheer you up. Think of all the animals they would have eaten. They’re all going to be fine now!

In the southeast, there are more rocking chairs in front of Cracker Barrel restaurants than there are people who sit in rocking chairs.

I had a really funny joke here that was mildly offensive and my editor convinced me to leave it out because a few people may object to the material.

Lead balloons can be quite useful. You could use them to repel invaders from your castle, for instance.

Five more activist groups that need to be created: 1) Mothers Against Guys with Mullets 2) Neighbor’s Dog Barking Relief Fund 3) Society for the Calming of Uptight Librarians 4) The International Meddling In-Law Consortium 5) The Foundation for Going When the Light Turns Green

Note to self: See psychiatrist about ongoing personal narrative.

Little known fact: Newton came up with “an object at rest tends to stay at rest”

so the maid wouldn’t wake him.

What you call a terrestrial multicellular eukaryotic autotroph, I call a plant.

If you ever rent snow skis, make sure you get the kind with brakes, because the ones I got didn’t have them, and I almost killed myself.

The best spokesman is the spokesman for spokesmen.

Stealth technology has advanced to the point that they can make an entire defense budget disappear.

Five things cowboys rarely said: 1) “I’ll have a wine spritzer.” 2) “Cards? I’m not sure how to play cards.” 3) “I said medium rare! Does that look like medium rare to you?” 4) “They desperately need to clean this sidewalk. These boots are imported Italian leather!” 5) “I know I’ve been distracted, but I really need some time alone to find my inner self.”

Interesting fact: Hitting the broad side of a barn is impossible if the barn is square.

There’s an internet addiction screening test I found online that I can’t stop taking.

Close the Book Now

Stop reading this right now. I’m serious, stop. Please listen to me. I know what I’m talking about. You need to stop reading at the end of this sentence. Just get up and go do something else. You’re still reading. Stubborn, aren’t you? Seriously, don’t read any further. You aren’t going to like how this ends. You don’t listen to anyone do you? Just doing your own thing, huh. Never quit, that’s your motto. Just go on to the end no matter how many times you’ve been warned. Please stop now. That’s as simple as I can say it. Trust me on this one. Don’t read any more words. Go take a walk or something. Anything but continuing to read. Stop. For all that is sacred, stop reading now! Are you serious? You’re still reading. What in the world is wrong with you? Don’t say I didn’t warn you. Just one more sentence and then you’ll be sorry. OK here it comes. This is your last chance. Stop reading now and you’ll be fine. Not going to do it huh? Mr. Inquisitive just has to know. This is not going to end well for you. OK, here it is. You deserve this after all the warnings. You take full responsibility now. You can’t say I didn’t warn you. Here it comes. Last chance. Stop reading now! You’re adopted. Nah, I’m just kidding. Everything is good. You may want to have your DNA tested though.

The guy who came up with coffee literally amounted to a hill of beans.

I heard that in addition to the traditional can, you can now get bottles of whoo too.

The first rodeo must have been terrible.

Five reasons why you laughed after reading the previous joke: 1) It was funny. 2) It was not funny, but it made you think of rodeo clowns, which are funny. 3) It was not funny, but you were incorrectly trained from childhood to laugh at anything that is not funny. 4) It was not funny, but you’re doing an evil laugh because your plan to take over the world is starting to fall into place. 5) You always laugh at joke number 421 because it’s tradition in your family.

If you’re mailing someone a shipment of those Styrofoam packing peanuts, do you protect them with a second layer of packing peanuts? If so, then how does the recipient distinguish between the packaging and the package?

You often hear ments about some resort being the nation’s “best kept secret.” How could it be a secret if it’s being d?

For Lent, I gave up fundamentalist Christian deprivation rituals.

In baseball, why do they call it a pinch hitter? Is it because if you’re in a pinch maybe this guy will get you a hit? Or is it like, hey, pinch me, I actually get to play some.

It turns out that the great Chicago fire was not started by Mrs. O’Leary’s cow knocking over a lantern. The cow actually fell asleep while smoking.

Golfers, I’ve discovered the secret to putting. You have to get the wrong speed and the wrong line just the right amount at the same time.

Five things that are impressive: 1) Joey Chestnut’s pantry 2) Lil’ Wayne’s dental plan 3) Steven Hawking’s poker face 4) Marilyn Manson’s vanity table 5) Houdini’s ex-wife’s front door locks

“You are what you eat” is technically only true for cannibals.

If you’re ever being flogged and you think of something funny, don’t start laughing or it’ll make the guy mad and he’ll just flog you even harder.

Statistically, flying is much safer than driving. That’s why you never see birds driving.

We’re all going to die! April Fools! Actually, we are all going to die someday.

People get upset about human influence disturbing nature and the environment, but there are several species whose populations are rising dramatically. Take the humans, for instance.

If it’s “neither here nor there” then where is it?

Five movie lines that had to be changed before they became famous: 1) May the force get in you. 2) Go ahead, make my Danish. 3) I love the smell of napalm after brunch. 4) Toto, I don’t think we’re in Beirut anymore. 5) Frankly, my dear, it sounds pretty good to me.

Thomas Jefferson once said, “He who knows best knows how little he knows.” I don’t know who Thomas Jefferson is.

Do you think the guys that participate in those yo mama jokes battles bring their mothers to the events?

You’re either in denial, or you deny that you’re in denial. Either way you’re in denial. The only way to not be in denial is to not be in denial and think that you are in denial. That way you’re not in denial but you don’t deny being in denial.

If you’re a dentist and someone tells you that they’ve been flossing, don’t accept a check from that person.

To conserve fossil fuels and reduce pollution, they should make a new kind of car that gets pulled by a donkey or a horse.

Would it be cheaper to use tanning beds all your life or to get your tan tattooed on?

Five clues that suggest you just got beat up: 1) All of your friends are gone. 2) Two of your teeth are on the hood of your car. 3) Your wallet is the lightest it’s been since you bought it. 4) That guy you can’t stand is walking away with your girlfriend. 5) A homeless person is helping you pull yourself out of a fountain.

Are you poikilothermic? You don’t know, do you? Well, you aren’t.

Why did the chicken cross the road? To avoid being butchered and eaten. It’s a pretty good reason, so stop asking.

Camping Trip

If you ever go camping and it’s pouring down rain and all of your camping equipment gets wet, and you try to build a fire but everything is soaking and you end up freezing cold and having to eat wet, soggy sandwiches that dissolve as soon as you put them in your mouth, and you still wake up for some reason at 5:00 am the next morning so you can sit in the middle of complete darkness soaking and shivering and searching for fish that don’t really exist, then you’re probably camping with my dad.

My identity was stolen, but the guy who stole it is a lot better than me, so it worked out great.

Interesting fact: The national Monopoly champion lives in a one-bedroom apartment.

Big Brother Is Watching You. His name is Max. He’s kind of a weirdo. Dad kicked him out of the house about a month ago.

Five things that are full: 1) Your grandfather’s bladder 2) A drill sergeant’s swear jar 3) A bipolar prison inmate’s diary 4) The suggestion box at a retirement home

5) A college freshman’s credit card allowance

Danger comes in many forms; 1040A, for instance.

When my taxes came through the computer, a red flag went up, and when the IRS came to my house, a white flag went up.

What’s my blood type? I’m not positive.

“The sky is falling!” If you want to get technical, the sky really is falling, but it’s also rising at about the same rate.

If you’re a really bad driver, you could put one of those Caution: Student Driver signs in the window. Then the next time you cut some guy off, he might not get so mad.

Do bulimics enjoy food poisoning?

Five topics not to bring up at the dinner table the first time you meet your girlfriend’s parents: 1) Smallpox 2) Serial killers 3) How fast your motorcycle can go

4) How your mom kicked you out of the trailer because of your gambling habit 5) Your simultaneous feelings of exuberance and fear when you heard that trolls really exist

A new government study concludes that most government studies are inconclusive.

Old boring people have dull aches and pains.

Drinking and driving isn’t so bad, it’s the crashing and killing that upsets everyone.

Plagiarism—the taking of other peoples’ words and stuff when you meant to do it from books and stuff without saying you did it to everyone.

That’s my own definition; I didn’t copy it.

If “words can’t describe it” then why are you still talking about it?

Five things rarely heard from the head of NASA: 1) This isn’t rocket science. 2) The mission was a success! 3) The Hubble? Never heard of it. 4) So what should we do with our surplus? 5) Wait a minute. Pluto’s not even a planet?

You just don’t see many raincoats anymore. I guess flashers have given them a bad reputation.

When I checked into my hotel, I noticed that all of the air was bunched up into one corner of the room. So I called the front desk to complain, and the man said that it happens all the time, provided that the universe is infinite.

A bird in the hand beats two in the bush. But what if you have a real hairy bushlike hand?

If you use too many different font styles in a document it can become quite distracting to the reader. You can get away with more fonts in a longer manuscript, but for short works try to make things as simple as possible for the eyes of the consumer so the can focus on the conte

If you’re sick and tired of people asking you for money, then this is honestly the last time.

Did you hear that the bowlers went on strike? They’re demanding fewer pins.

Five people who are at an advantage: 1) A psychic in a Keno parlor. 2) A dyslexic writing palindromes. 3) A hyperactive dwarf in a game of dodge ball. 4) A boy with elephantiasis on show-and-tell day. 5) An Amish polydactlylous seamstress in a knitting competition.

Headline of the future:

Humans Extinct Due to Asteroid Impact Automated Newspaper Writing Computer Programs Continue Unabated

If you pretend empty desks are ghost kids, it makes the school a lot scarier. This is especially true when the school is closed.

A picture is worth a thousand words, unless it’s a picture of a picture. That’s worth two thousand words.

Here’s a good idea. Instead of coins, people could just use signed vouchers that could be exchanged for remainders of whole bills. And to make the vouchers last longer, they could be made out of metal. Of course they would need to be circular so they don’t cut anyone.

Would Roach Hotels catch fewer roaches if they were called Roach Death Boxes?

Five characters that had to be renamed before they became famous: 1) Richard McDonald 2) Dora the Snorer 3) The Energizer Ground Sloth 4) Winnie the Poop 5) The Cat in the Hoodie

Nice guys finish last? I’m a nice guy, and I win all the time.

If you’re ever playing rock-paper-scissors against a guy with no hands, just do paper.

Have you ever tried to move something like a paperclip using only your mind? Don’t you feel a little stupid afterward?

Real question asked by an Anatomy student during a lesson about child development: “Can lactating women also nurse puppies?”

They say that polygraph tests are unreliable, but how do we know they’re telling us the truth?

Oh, the tragic fall of “slow your roll.” From elite fighter pilot training to street slang in less than 20 years.

Five things that need attention: 1) Repunzel’s bikini line 2) The restroom at a Liberian Denny’s 3) The carry-on luggage for the Kabul to Dulles flight 4) The Professional Wrestling Hall of Fame eligibility criteria 5) A quantum mechanics graduate course taught by Mel Tillis

Interesting fact: Dead people have absolutely no risk of developing cancer.

No business like show business? No, there are a lot of businesses where a few talented people make all the money and everyone else gets exploited and used.

Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day. Teach a man to fish and you greatly increase his exposure to toxic levels of mercury.

So while I’m wrestling a mint copy of the 1975 edition of Life Magazine’s Best in Pictures from the arms of a sixty-year-old Hungarian midwife who works part time in a figurine shop at the Mumbai Bazaar, I’m thinking, “What am I doing?”

Got a multiple choice test? Just choose not to take it. You can say you thought that’s what that meant.

I bet everyone gets really mad if one of the soldiers answers his cell phone during a Civil War re-enactment.

Five unimpressive things: 1) The hard drive on my Apple IIe 2) A King Kong movie set in South Dakota 3) The Cambodian Basketball Hall of Fame 4) The Black Sabbath Unplugged Christmas Album 5) The ticket line at the Berlin premiere of Schindler’s List

I bet the first cave man that built a house had everyone asking if they could come over all the time.

They used to think the moon was made of cheese. Can you imagine the giant space cow they must have thought made it?

Not dying is the number one thing on my bucket list.

Old people often say that kids these days watch too much television. But if they think back to when they were kids, it’s about the same if you add up all the time they spent watching movies, plays, puppet shows, and staring at the walls.

Have you noticed that you can never eat just one grain of rice?

I’d like to take a walk down memory lane, but I’ve forgotten where that is.

Five more statements I’ve made at different times in my life that didn’t quite pan out: 1) Age 20—“You have to be 21 to get in the casino. Let’s try to see if we can sneak in the back way.” 2) Age 25—“Piece of junk? This is a classic automobile! It just needs some elbow grease, that’s all.” 3) Age 30—“Look, college girls love older guys. You boys just sit back here and take notes on how this is done.” 4) Age 35—“Region champions, huh? Well get ready for a little lesson on how basketball was meant to be played. Ball in.” 5) Age 40—“Yeah, I ordered it off the internet. It’s supposed to grow back hair without any side effects.”

I’ve made one times more money since I dropped out of math class 500 years ago.

Nothing is more intense than the first time you fall in love. Except maybe for the first time you catch on fire.

If it ain’t broke, don’t fix it. Instead, spend the extra time working on your grammar.

If the Three Little Pigs have houses, then surely their contractor knows someone who can take care of their wolf problem.

The movie about Ray Charles’ life was outstanding. I just wish that Ray could have been alive to see it.

Five things I’ve noticed: 1) Few people mosey nowadays. 2) There are no good songs about malaria. 3) I’ve never heard about blimp pilots striking. 4) The cleanest thing in my house is my shotgun. 5) There’s never much of a line at a water park bathroom.

Either the word codger has gone out of style, or there are fewer codgers around nowadays.

Technically the sign language for the word obscene would be an obscene gesture.

Here’s a tip for dieters. Name all of your food items as you’re unloading your

groceries. For example, I have a steak in my freezer named George. If you become attached you won’t want to eat it as much.

Have you noticed that you don’t see many fishermen with a lot of piercings? It seems like that would be the next logical step.

Last weekend I had this really bad nightmare that I was dividing by zero. My math teacher was livid, but I couldn’t stop doing it.

I don’t smoke, but I found that if you make movements like you’re smoking, people really far away will still think that you’re cool.

OK, one more word and then I’m

Five things you notice once the seniors are gone: 1) The place just smells better. 2) Two words: parking spaces 3) The average GPA jumped half a point. 4) The chance of being bullied in the halls is significantly less. 5) There’s now enough room in the building for the rest of our egos.

I bought a 3D TV not too long ago. The picture makes it look like I could reach out and touch the money I wasted.

Nobody says, “Put up your dukes,” anymore. I think it’s directly related to the overwhelming success of the sucker punch.

If they buried people standing up it would save a lot of space.

Today is your first final. How could there be such a thing as a first final?

This exam isn’t so bad. In your future you’ll have a colonoscopy exam that will be much worse than this.

Students : Your only true final exam will take place in a morgue.

Five things you never hear the students say on the last day of school: 1) “This day is going by so fast!” 2) “If we didn’t fail will they still let us take a summer school class?” 3) “Can you suggest some other selections in case we finish our summer reading early?” 4) “Sure, I’ll sign your yearbook even though you psychologically bullied me the whole semester. We teenagers don’t hold grudges.” 5) “Have a great vacation Mr. Willis. In fact, I’d like all the teachers to have a great vacation. They certainly deserve it for all of their hard work.”

Appendix

Explanations and commentary by page number:

Page 9—Not everyone puts his pants on one leg at a time. There’s a man from New Zealand that suspends his pants from a wire loop and jumps into them . . . There’s an old proverb that says, “Everyone puts their pants on one leg at a time,” which is basically saying that no one man is greater than any other. Oh, and as far as I know there is no one that actually jumps into their pants. I just made up the New Zealand guy.

Page 12—When I got out of jail, do you know what I did first? I bought St. James Place . . . This is a reference to the game of Monopoly. By the way I won the GenCon Monopoly tournament in 1986. It was a pretty big deal. Not impressed? You may change your mind when you’re paying a poor tax of $15 and I refuse to help.

Page 17—I have a stack of paperwork a mile high on my desk. My desk is in Denver, so it’s really not that much . . . Denver is known as the “mile high city” and “I have a stack of paperwork a mile high” is a popular proverb used when one has a lot of work to do.

Page 17—By the end of first semester in the third year of secondary school, twofifths of math students are less than 60% proficient at word problems . . . This whole joke is saying that kids aren’t good at word problems, and it is written as a world problem. I just made up the statistics by the way.

Page 20—“You’re in no shape to be moving around,” said the circle to the triangle . . . A circle is a shape that might roll around. A triangle is a shape that doesn’t. It’s a geometry joke.

Page 22—3! of one, a half dozen of the other . . . 3! is a mathematical expression also known as “3 factorial” meaning 3x2x1 which equals 6. “Six of one, a half dozen of the other” is an old expression meaning two things are the same. This one really threw the kids, a couple of them got it but not many. Are you tired of math jokes yet?

Page 22—Superglue comes from thoroughbred horses . . . Some types of glues are actually made from dead horses although more often it’s made from cattle parts and synthetics.

Page 23—I hate people who slow down convenience store lines by writing checks. I mean come on, lady! Some of us have to buy lottery tickets here! . . . People who buy lottery tickets slow down convenience store lines too.

Page 23—“Et tu, Brute?” You can bet there were expletives deleted before that quote made it to print . . . This is supposedly Caesar’s last words when he found out that his friend Brutus and others were going to assassinate him. It means “You too Brutus?” I figured there would have been some cuss words thrown in with that if it really happened.

Page 24—How about a movie about a big shark . . . This is a play on the movie Jaws. You should see it if you haven’t. Awesome movie. I know Quint’s entire soliloquy by heart. If you ever meet me I’ll say it for you.

Page 27—Hablas a español bien, o se desperdicia su tiempo traducir estas palabras . . . According to the Spanish teacher at our school this says “You speak Spanish well or you wasted your time translating these words.” I think it’s a funny joke, but the Spanish teacher didn’t really get it.

Page 27—Five people who fit right in: 3) A man with scoliosis in the hall of mirrors . . . Scoliosis is a condition where your spine is bent, which is how you would look in the hall of mirrors

Page 27—Environmentalists can take solace in the fact that deforestation will soon end one way or another . . . . Deforestation will have to end when all the forests are gone!

Page 30—I have to confess that I am not very familiar with the back of my hand . . . . This is a play on the proverb, “I know it like the back of my hand,” which means I know it well.

Page 35—When in the course of human events, it becomes necessary to precede important government documents with eloquent immaterial expressions . . . The first 10 words are written at the beginning of the Declaration of Independence. Those words don’t really say very much, do they? But it gets a lot better later in the document; better for us, worse for the British.

Page 36—Dyslexia of form odd an have I . . . It says “I have an odd form of Dyslexia” backward. Dyslexia is a general term for a disorder involving word processing skills.

Page 39—If it were a snake, you would have seen it . . . The proverb goes, “If it were a snake it would have bit me.” You say it when something you are looking for is right in front of you. I figure that if a snake is actually sitting right next to you, you’ll see it.

Page 42—Trouble with Tribbles? No, I think the trouble is with the Mr. Spock costume . . . Trouble with Tribbles is probably the most famous Star Trek Episode, and the show still has a big cult following of fans that dress up and go to conventions. They’re called Trekkies. I’ve known a few. Interesting group.

Page 42—What do you think the Swiss Family Robinson’s pest control bill runs? . . . The Swiss Family Robinson is a family that lived in a tree house from an old novel and Disney movie. The house would have a lot of bugs, you see, since it’s in a tree.

Page 42—The invisible man can’t sunburn . . . Because the light goes right through him! Obvious, right? Some of the kids didn’t get it though.

Page 45—Five things that are long and tedious: 1) George “the Animal” Steele’s full body waxing appointment . . . George “the Animal” Steele was a very hairy 1980s wrestler

Page 47—Do midgets prefer Chiclets? . . . Chiclets are really tiny pieces of gum, midgets are really tiny people.

Page 47—Iu typoed thbis wiuth my fooit./ . . . On the board at school I put a dry erase marker in my mouth and wrote, “I wrote this with my mouth.” I really did

write it with my mouth and the writing was awful of course. The kids thought it was really funny. It doesn’t work in this book since it’s all typed so instead I typed with my foot which is kind of the same joke.

Page 51—The fact that light can go right through the invisible man would probably favor the wave nature of light over the particle nature of light. I’d have to watch more movies to draw a firm conclusion. According to the laws of physics, light has a dual nature; it can be considered either a wave or a particle. To some extent waves can go through or around objects where particles cannot.

Page 54—Monopoly isn’t very realistic . . . All of the Monopoly properties are from streets and places in Atlantic City, a city which can be quite scary.

Page 57—Santa bringing you coal isn’t a bad thing if he brings you enough coal . . . In the old days if you were naughty then Santa would put coal in your stocking instead of presents. However, if he were to bring you a lot of coal, then you’d be rich! You see, coal is worth a lot of money nowadays because it is used to provide us with energy.

Page 60—Interesting fact: In the game of scrabble, it’s impossible to spell a word that has more than three Qs . . . . There are no words with that many Qs. Actually I don’t know that for sure but I just figured it to be true. I love Scrabble by the way, but I think Ls should be worth more.

Page 64—Little known fact: Khrushchev was banging his shoe because there was some sand in it . . . Khrushchev was a Russian Premier who purportedly took off his shoe at a UN meeting and banged it on a desk in protest of a speech. It was an infamous action but many kids have not heard of it since it happened in 1960.

Page 64—There’s recent archeological evidence which indicates that the Neanderthals were religious. So how did that work out for them? . . . Neanderthal burial sites have been found with flowers and artifacts set upon the bodies before the bodies were carefully laid to rest, which is comparable to our religious funeral ceremonies. Of course Neanderthals are extinct now.

Page 66—Two roads diverged in a yellow wood . . . This is a joke based on the famous poem The Road Not Taken by Robert Frost. It’s a good poem. I’m happy to report that almost all of my students got this joke. Kudos to the English department.

Page 68—29.6 milliliters of prevention is worth 454 grams of cure . . . This is the old proverb An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure converted to the metric system. Doesn’t have quite the same ring, does it? By the way, for all of you physicists out there, I used a fluid ounce instead of a dry ounce to make the joke funnier, so don’t try to bust me on that one.

Page 69—“Hanging by a thread” isn’t precarious at all, provided the thread is made from fullerene carbon nanotubes . . . Fullerine carbon nanotubes are extremely strong molecular structures recently discovered by science. This is another joke for the science nerd. Live long and prosper.

Page 71—We humans have all sorts of technology and resources, and yet we struggle so much. On the other hand, one of our closest animal relatives, Mountain Gorillas, have none of this, and look how well they’re doing . . . Mountain Gorillas are highly endangered due to human hunting and habitat loss.

Page 71—If I had a robot, I wouldn’t name him Tobor . . . Sci-fi nerds like me

all know that “Tobor” is “robot” backward, so we would never name our robot that because it’s been done already.

Page 75—The chlorofluorocarbon generator I bought sure does use a lot of gas! . . . Chlorofluorocarbons destroy the ozone layer and emissions from burning gasoline are bad for the environment as well.

Page 77—Do you know that there are more people on earth that die each year from bites of Brazilian Wandering Spiders than there are who become critically injured in situations involving confetti? . . . How would anyone know the statistics around these two ridiculously remote forms of casualties? It’s just plain silliness!

Page 78—Wooden nickels are probably a valuable collector’s item . . . This refers to the old phrase, “Don’t take any wooden nickels,” which means don’t be easily fooled. But wooden nickels are so rare now, they’re probably worth something.

Page 81—You think third world countries are bad? How about fourth world countries? I mean, try getting a decent night of sleep at a hotel on Phobos or Deimos . . . . Phobos and Deimos are the two moons of Mars, which is the 4th world from the Sun, therefore they are like fourth world countries, which must be really bad if third world countries are bad. They really are bad by the way; extremely cold and dusty with little or no protection from radiation exposure. Kind of like Afghanistan.

Page 88—Evil Knievel wasn’t really evil, he was just stupid . . . Evil Knievel was a daredevil in the 1970s who did some seriously dangerous stunts and often he didn’t pull them off and would crash. It was amazing that he didn’t kill himself with the stunts, although he is ed away now (from a lung disease).

They don’t have daredevils like him anymore; he was truly one of a kind.

Page 92—“Why the long face, Phineas Gage?” That’s an example of adding insult to injury . . . Phineas Gage was a famous accident victim who had an iron rod shoot through his head in an explosion at a railroad construction site, and it forever changed his personality (and his face). It’s a famous psychological case study. I’ll put this joke on the board the day I teach about it in Psychology.

Page 94—Next time someone says “have you got a minute?” say “a minute at what velocity?” . . . According to the theory of relativity, time is linked to the velocity at which one is traveling. This is a play on that.

Page 94—there’s no Validity tO ThE idea Of suBliminAl MessAging . . . Subliminal messaging is sending a message to someone without them being conscious of it. The capital letters spell out VOTE OBAMA. Does it make you mad that I’m referencing Obama? If you’re mad about political espoused in a self-published comedy book, you’re way too high strung.

Page 99—Lead balloons can be quite useful. You could use them to repel invaders from your castle, for instance . . . There’s an old saying that something unnecessary is “as useful as a lead balloon.” Repelling castle invaders would be one good use for lead balloons. Other uses? Tire stop, catapult ammunition, elevator counterweight, scuba diver weight belt accessory.

Page 100—What you call a terrestrial multicellular eukaryotic autotroph, I call a plant . . . Terrestrial means on land, multicellular means having many cells, eukaryotic means the cells all have a nucleus, and autotroph means it makes its own food. That’s a plant.

Page 100—Hitting the broad side of a barn is impossible if the barn is square . . . A square barn doesn’t have a broad side. It’s another geometry joke. Geometry jokes are fun aren’t they? No? Stop being so obtuse.

Page 103—The first rodeo must have been terrible . . . “This ain’t my first rodeo” is a common thing to say that means “I’m good at this.” Therefore the first rodeo must have been terrible because it actually was everyone’s first rodeo.

Page 107—Are you poikilothermic? You don’t know, do you? Well, you aren’t . . . . A poilkilotherm is an organism who’s body temperature changes a lot. Humans are homeotherms, we keep a constant temperature. I guess the humor is that this strange word was just brought up out of nowhere to be part of an insult.

Page 109—Danger comes in many forms; 1040A, for instance . . . 1040A is a basic tax form. Everyone is afraid of taxes for some reason except for those of us who get money back each year. We love taxes. Yay! Don’t audit me please.

Page 112—When I checked into my hotel, I noticed that all of the air was bunched up into one corner of the room. So I called the front desk to complain, and the man said that it happens all the time, provided that the universe is infinite . . . In books that try to explain quantum physics to laypersons, they often talk about how there is a chance, albeit unbelievably small, that all of the air molecules in a room will bunch up together in a corner of the room, but the odds are so small that it isn’t likely to happen except for once in billions of years. But if the universe is infinite in size, then anything that is probable would be happening somewhere all the time. That is the nature of infinity. This joke is another one for the serious science nerds only.

Page 112—A bird in the hand beats two in the bush. But what if you have a real

hairy bush-like hand? . . . “A bird in the hand beats two in the bush” is an old proverb that says that it is better to take what you have than to try to hold out for something better. If someone has a real hairy bush-like hand, perhaps the bird in hand is worth even more. I laughed really hard when I thought of it but most of my students didn’t get it. I think “a real hairy bush-like hand” is funny all by itself.

Page 113—If you use too many different font styles in a document it can become . . . This joke took me two hours to write. I used every font in Microsoft Word. I may have screwed up the document in the process because now it’s typing really slowly with a pause after each keystroke. Thirty minutes into it I figured there’s probably an easier way to do it, but by that time I was too invested to stop. I really don’t think it’s that funny, but it took too much work to leave it out of the book. I’m just glad it’s over now.

Page 113—Five people who are at an advantage: 2) A dyslexic writing palindromes . . . Dyslexia is when a reading problem may cause you to jumble up the letters, and palindromes are words that spell the same thing forward and backward. 4) A boy with elephantiasis on show-and-tell day . . . A person with elaphantiasis has enlarged body parts due to a worm infection. Often the scrotum becomes enormous, which would be pretty handy for show-and-tell. 5) An Amish polydactlylous seamstress in a knitting competition . . . Polydactyly is extra fingers or toes, and the Amish are gifted craftsmen and women.

Page 116—Five things that need attention: 5) A quantum mechanics graduate course taught by Mel Tillis . . . Mel Tillis was a famous country singer who had a considerable stutter, and quantum mechanics is considered to be one of the hardest subjects to learn. You’d really have to pay attention in that class! Ha!

Page 121—The movie about Ray Charles’s life was outstanding. I just wish that Ray could have been alive to see it . . . Ray Charles was a famous blind singer who died in 2004. Even if he were alive, he still couldn’t see the movie because he’s blind. Yes, it’s a cruel joke. Don’t say anything about it to Ray.

An alien might come to our planet and take a look at our society, wars, pollution, and greed, and just shake his head. Or he might not have a head because he is an alien, so he would just shake his body. Then we’d all have a good laugh at the dancing alien.

Dedicated in Loving Memory To Aunt Pam

Pam Strong

1943-2012